


Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven: Steven Universe the Movie, or ‘yeesh was I wrong.’

by justinsbuzz



Series: Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven! [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Spoilers, Steven Universe: The Movie, Teen Romance, movie review
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 18:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20587016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven review the movie 'Steven Universe: The Movie', or at least attempt to while trying not to argue about who was thirsty for whom.





	Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven: Steven Universe the Movie, or ‘yeesh was I wrong.’

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a week, and i don't think having to alert anyone about spoilers would mean much. but just in case: tons of spoilers all ye who enter.

Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven: Steven Universe the Movie, or ‘yeesh was I wrong.’

The movie should have ended right when the curtains trapped from behind the screen. The credits rolled, and it was over. But they were still waiting. Waiting for something crucial. Something critical. They laughed a few times watching the animated short, which gave off a sense of nostalgia after so long. But then…nothing. No news or information about Season 6. The crystal gems are out of a job for the time being.

“So…wow…Spinel.” Said Amethyst, standing up and stretching let arms and legs. “I mean, wow, rose really goofed up.”

“Well…yeah. she did. Just leaving her there all on her own on a floating rock in space for thousands of years.” Said Steven, taking the arm he had wrapped around Connie, and stretching it, since he’s had it there for 2 hours straight. “I knew my mom was irresponsible, but ouch.”

“I won’t lie, if I was abandoned on a floating rock in space for thousands of years, I would probably go insane and try to destroy the planet.” Said Connie, rolling her shoulders from having Steven’s arm around her. She didn’t mind it, but it was good to stretch out as well. “But instead, I had to endure hours, or even days, of Steven kissing the earth…like…what the heck?”

“Yes. That was highly impractical. The amount of ground coverage each of his kisses was only a meter in diameter.” Peridot stared, jotting down notes and calculations on her tablet, as well as analyzing one of the picture stills. “And since circles are a highly ineffective shape, there would be small patches in between, which in the long run, could end up corrupting the area all over again…which would mean you would have to kiss the ground at a distance of 85 centimeters apart in an isosceles triangular pattern. And with that kind of damage, you’re looking at…whoa.”

“Whoa?” Steven and Connie asked in unison.

“Yeah…I don’t know if I should say…like, you’re going to need to stock up on 5-gallon water jugs and Chapstick.” Said Peridot, sounding very nervous of her mathematical findings. “And if you were to smooch up the ground once every 5 seconds...no breaks…2-3 weeks.”

If there were to be absolutely no other sound being made in the room, Steven and Connie’s heart breaking would be as audible as a window being smashed with a car.

“Tha…that’s like 30 thousand kisses. I don’t think anyone could kiss someone that much in a lifetime!” Connie exclaimed, shifting on her side of the couch. “I…don’t even think We’ve kissed more than 30 times! Steven WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”

“What? That wasn’t me, Connie. That’s another Steven from another strange parallel universe where he clearly wasn’t concerned with oral hygiene!” Steven exclaimed defensively. “it’s literal dirt! Decomposed organic matter that had been compressed lightly for over thousands of years. I wouldn’t even think about doing that!”

“I dunno, man…sorry, wasn’t really paying much attention. I was kind of focused on the one-gem horror show.” Said Amethyst. “I mean…really tragic backstory and all. I mean, abandoned for 6,000 years. Show of hands, who thinks she could use a hug.”

Steven awkwardly raised his hand along with Amethyst. Connie was not amused, nor was Peridot, who wasn’t a huge fan of physical affection.

“Wow…okay then.” Amethyst said turning back to stair at the television. “I feel awkward.”

“Hugging?” Peridot asked. “I thought you were supposed to be more focused on the comedy aspect?”

“Well, yeah. I am. And Spinel was funny, but mostly either sad or angry. Just…I wanna give her a hug.” Said a blushing Amethyst.

“Don’t you mean give Steven’s new best friend a hug?” Connie murmured, her legs bent so that her face was buried in her knees.

“Connie!” exclaimed a shocked Steven. “Just…no. Connie, it was a movie. That kind of stuff wouldn’t be a thing in this place. And if it ever did, I would keep her at arms-length and just get to the point with her.”

“Kind of a hard thing to do, with her long old noodle arms and everything.” Said Amethyst.

“Connie, if it means anything at all, the only way anyone could make me kiss the ground is if you were walking ahead of me, planting small flags where I should kiss, but instead kissing your footsteps.” Steven spoke with pleeding eyes. “It’s only a movie, Connie. Don’t be mad…”

Connie peaked her head out to see Steven’s eyes, and turned away, blushing.

“Well…I’ll still be mad at you for doing something so unhygienic…” Connie said sternly.

“What do you think mouth wash is for?” Steven replied, putting a hand on her shoulder. “and if healing the world that you live in means that I have to kiss ten-thousand years old dirt, then I’ll stock up on Chapstick and hope you’ll have some water near by.”

“You’re making it really hard to hate you for something you didn’t do…” Connie said, peering out from her knees. “But…that might be the jealousy talking. And yeah, I’m kind of jealous that movie Steven was paying more attention to everything else while I sat on the sidelines like a weak noodle.”

“Well, there was a lot going on in there. But the hand-holding? Gazing into each other’s eyes? Seriously, if we weren’t low-key dating, I would be sorely disappointed.” Steven said, mildly pouting. “But you have nothing to be jealous of. The movie wasn’t real. And by romantic standards, I give it…maybe 4 stars? Also, we should hold hands more. When was the last time we just held hands like that, and just gazed into each other’s eyes?”

“You mean that look of longingly pleading and pining for each other kind of puppy love?” Connie asked, no longer hiding her face. “Well…hmm…I don’t know. Plus, the way they look at each other, there might be some off-camera stuff. Seriously…if in season 6, we don’t get some Connverse action, I’m just going to go nuts.”

“But…what if they’re saving that for the final episode?” Amethyst hypothesized. “Kind of a heavy critical moment. If Connverse drops…that could be the end. So you would have to ask yourself, slow burn and more seasons, or insta-Connverse and just a final season?”

The room had gone silent for a moment. The feeling of existential dread poured over the three of them at the idea that if ‘Steven Universe’ ended, do they end too? All chance of philosophical and logical conversation had gone with Peridot’s snickering.

“Um..P-dot? What are you looking at?” asked Amethyst.

“Facial reaction vids.” Peridot responded.

“Wait! I thought we weren’t going to be doing those?” Asked Connie in a state of panic.

“Well, if you knew we were going to do those, then your facial reactions wouldn’t have been genuine. Especially yours, Connie.” Peridot replied, with a sinister chuckle.

“No…no no no no no no! Delete it. Delete them now!” Connie yelled angerly and in a panic.

“Oh, come now, Connie. Don’t you think that maybe Steven should know the truth?” Peridot asked.

“You shut your dirty lying mouth of I’ll throw you into the dryer!” Connie threatened Peridot.

“Jokes on you, the dryer ride is fun!” Peridot said, before putting up a video of Connie, staring at the T.V., without blinking and blushing. It was the scene with Steven and Greg fused together, and singing with Opal.

“Close your eyes, Steven, this is not meant for your pure, caring soul!” Connie said, leaping on top of Steven to close his eyes. But it was too late. Peridot captured the singular moment that a very small amount of drool was coming out of Connie’s mouth. “That…that was from…the drink. Yep. And I was hungry…really hungry.”

“Don’t you mean thirsty, Connie?” Amethyst asked. “Thirsty for a nice, tall, strong glass of Ste-”

Connie had gone level 8 feral on Peridot, mercilessly hitting Peridot repeatedly with a pillow, growling and yelling after every landed hit.

“You! Miserable! Paper! Weight! Why! Would! You! Show! Steven! That! Clip?!” Connie yelled, hitting Peridot in between each word. Steven could only look on in shock. “This is supposed to be a teen rated crack fic. Do you want the rating to go to M? Is Teen not good enough for you? Cause that kind of stuff can get us kicked over to M in a heartbeat! We would lose so many readers! We have a fluff-n-crack representation to uphold, you gremlin!”

“We’ll be going on hiatus anyway?!” Peridot wailed, pointing out the obviousness that the author really should be getting rest instead of writing out a half-baked, meta-review of a movie that the main characters might have been in.

“OK FINE!” Connie roared in frustration. “I…might have found Steg…kind of cute…really cute. But only because I know there’s a 50% chance that Steven would grow up with those huge, secure arms, slightly hairy fluffy chest that I…and how they really rifted that guitar sound. Just…Steven’s going to grow up to become a hot, hunky, sensitive, talented giant! what do you have?!”

“A water witch that could whoop your big jumpsuit-wearing butt on any day ending with the letter ‘Y’.” Peridot said flatly, causing Connie to shove half of the pillow into Peridot’s mouth before Steven pulled her off of Peridot.

“Okay then…how about we forget that most of that never happened, shall we?” Steven asked, slightly holding Connie back from trying to rip Peridot’s gem out with her teeth. Connie paused and looked at Steven slightly.

“um…’Most of that’?” Connie asked, looking surprised.

“Eh…kind of nice to know that you think I’m going to be a hunky, sensitive, talented giant…” Steven awkwardly replied, in which Steven and Connie blushed. “Plus…it would be nice to maybe have a karaoke duet of ‘Independent Together’.” 

Peridot removed the pillow from her mouth, only to dry heave profusely.

“You know…If I had a stomach…it would definitely be empty by now.” Peridot said disgustingly. “And for the record, I’m shipping Steg with Opal.”

“Oh…Peridot. Of course, you would ship Opeg.” Connie said sarcastically empathetic. “You’re Peridot, you ship horrible things in the worse way cause your garbage.”

“NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT!” Peridot said, pointing at Connie. “But seriously…why have you not talked about all of the action sequences, Connie? A mushroom cloud erupted over Beach City! Cracks erupted all over the place, organic planet killing acid leaching to the ground and water all over the place. What are your feelings, woman?!”

“Um…cool, I guess?” Connie said, not sure how to respond to that. “whenever I think about it, it just reverts to Steven making ou- I mean healing the earth, in which how would you really fix it, Steven?”

“Well, personally, you know those weird suction things at the dentist’s office you would see on T.V.?” Steven asked the group, which they all nodded. “Well, get one of those things, and some cooking shows to watch with Connie. Then, turn on the suction machine and have it fun for 10 minutes, with 10-minute breaks in between for water and such.”

Connie and Peridot were hanging on to Steven’s every word, while Amethyst rewound to the concert scene to watch Opal sing.

After a few days, we should have at least a gallon of magic spit. Then take 100 gallons of the water from Roses fountain, which by the way, WHAT THE HECK MOM? Take the 100 gallons, add the 1 gallon of spit to it. Mix it up really well, and have Lapis lightly shower the area with it. That alone should be enough to fix the crater.” Steven said, hypothesizing how things could be done if it was done his way. “The cracks and ooze that was left behind…the temple…the ocean…wow. That’s kind of a hard thing to think about.”

Steven sunk into the couch in a depressed state. Imagining how much work it would take to fix it all. Connie, Amethyst, and Peridot all nodded in agreement about how messed up the situation was, and how it could ever be solved if it ever happened to them.

“Well, if it doesn’t involve you kissing anything or anyone but me, I’m all for it.” Connie said cheerfully.

“Um…yeah…that’s nice…The Diamonds didn’t even bother trying to help clean up! Blue and Yellow know that I don’t keep earth in that kind of state. The wedding? Anyone? Seriously, they know that Beach City was totally trashed, but they just wanted to come and live with me…where?! Connie, why am I feeling exhausted from this movie?”

Connie saw what Steven was mentally going through, and pulled him closer to her on her end of the couch, and gently began stroking his hair.

“Because it was a good movie, Steven.” Replied Connie softly. “It had action and heroism.”

“It had absolute suspense and meaning when it came to every action anyone made. Plus, I was in it.” Peridot added.

“It had a goofy character that kicked the snot out of us. And, you can apparently tap-dance in sandals. I never knew that would be possible. And the musical numbers were mostly good, except the Diamonds part, but that’s because I’m still mad at them for dematerialize Opal at the party.” Amethyst said, throwing her two cents in.

“And finally, it had a loving, kind, and handsome hero who loved his knight so much, they never had to say it vocally” Connie spoke softly.

“…Because their eyes said ‘I love you’, and their hands said ‘I’ll always be there for you.” Steven added, looking up at Connie and smiling.

“Yep. All of that.” Connie said. “And also…I want to give that science experiment out. Anyone knows where we can get an oral vacuum thingamabob?”

“I know a dentist who hasn’t changed their locks in a decade. I can get one of those in a matter of minutes.” Said Amethyst cheerfully, who seems always down for some good wholesome breaking and entering. “But maybe later on tonight. I think I want to watch this again.”

“I think I could convince Lapis to carry a ton of water from the fountain to the…oh! Let’s try the prime kindergarten! If we can fix that place, we can fix any place.” Peridot cheered.

“Well ok then! I’ll let my parents know I’ll be staying the night so we can harvest Steven’s...I’ll just say we’re studying.” Connie said, blushing. She gently lifted Steven up off of her. “I’ll be back in about an hour Steven. I’m going to need you to get some water and some Chapstick before I get back.”

“Wait…why Chapstick?” Steven asked, falling back on where Connie was sitting originally. “Don’t we only need water?”

“Well, yeah, for the experiment. The Chapstick is for you having to make up lost kissing time.” Connie said with a smirk on her face.

“But…Connie, it was a movie!” Steven exclaimed, still feeling tired.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t find an excuse for us to kiss 30 thousand times.” Said Connie, winking at the tired Steven.

“And you said I would be the one who would ruin the rating system!” Peridot told Connie as they made their way out the front door. Amethyst had started the movie all over again.

“Wow…so you’re going to be busy tonight watching cooking shows and cuddling with Connie.” Amethyst said with a chuckle.

“Don’t make this any weirder than it already is, Amethyst.” Steven said, grabbing a blanket from a near by closet and draping it over himself so he could go to sleep. “I’m going to sleep for about a month or so, wake me up when things need to get weird.”

“You got it, buddy!” Amethyst said, before singing a small song. “Because I’m going to be by your side no matter what…”

**Author's Note:**

> ok, now, THIS one will be my last one i write before hiatus. i might be back in mid October, or whenever we get any new info about new episodes. until then, thanks for reading the madness so far.
> 
> and a side note, WOW was i wrong about spinel...not sure how i would write myself out of that one. i might change it. i dunno. anyway, laters!


End file.
